Aries – Say hello to every single teacher at the school, if you dont you will disappear. 

Gemini – If you happen to be in Whiteford’s class then don’t do anything in his class and point towards this article. It will make him beyond happy, and his respect for you will go through the roof. 

Cancer – Don’t read a satire article, especially the horoscopes section. Don’t you know they’re all made up and are just a waste of time.

Leo – Don’t do your homework tonight. That’s for nerds. Instead, go to Bananas and play Laser Tag because that’s tight.

Virgo – Go run a mile for funsies or play chess because I said so. 

Libra – Avoid Woytek because the balance of the universe relies on it.

Scorpio- If you have a multiple choice test the answers are B B B B B B B B B B B c B B B B B  B B B B B B B B B B B A 

Sagittarius – Put your lips on a dirty, moldy, water fountain for 1,000 years of good luck. 

Capricorn – The accident wasn’t your fault. Wake up. It’s been 20 years: wake up, wake up, wake up…

Aquarius –  If you see a Tiger today that is a sign that in the next 1 to 140 years you will die.

Pisces – Bring your cats to school to get rid of the mouse problem at Grand Junction High School.