SATIRE: GJHS rat power

The ‘man’ who saved the world one small school at a time

A portrait of Rat Man done in honor of his wonderful deeds.(Photo by Piotr Siedleck at

Editor’s Note: In honor of April Fool’s Day, the Orange and Black is publishing satire articles.  The contents of this story are purely for entertainment.


Sometimes as we go through life we take people and things for granted, so the Black & Orange has hereby dedicated this article to a Hero at Grand Junction High School who is truly making a difference. 

The Black & Orange staff would like to thank Rat Man. The man who took our vending machines and our food in order to spread the word about eating healthy.

As many Americans know, we are currently dealing with the problem of obesity. According to Wikipedia the Obesity Rate in America has risen to 69% and is on course to reach 96% in 2050. 

“My dream is for the American population to have an obesity rate of 4.20 percent. I’ve seen what obesity can do and I think we need to change for the better,” Rat Man said while destroying GJHS vending machines.

Rat Man has dedicated his life to terrorizing lunch ladies and banning kids from buying food from vending machines and teachers not only at GJHS but at schools across the United States. The obesity rate in turn has plummeted.  

United States President Joe Biden recently nominated Rat Man on Twitter for the Nobel Peace Prize for Rat Man’s constant dedication to the health of Americans everywhere.

“Let me describe Rat Man in one word: pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis,” said Biden. 

Rat Man has also been building a bridge between the political parties as Donald Trump tweeted, “What’s the difference between Donald Trump’s hair and Rat Man? Donald Trump’s hair doesn’t deserve the Nobel Peace Prize.” 

Both Democrats and Republicans have expressed their love for Rat Man and for new bills being introduced from the philosophies of Rat Man. They also have united for Rat Man to run in the 2024 presidential election.

“The next step is solving the issue of overpopulation. My team and I are working on a new disease off of the previous Black Plague to help with this problem,” said Rat Man.

Rat Man is not only a hero to Grand Junction High School, but an international icon who lays the foundation for unity.