I am a bona fide potato connoisseur. I love them mashed, scalloped, french, baked, and hash-browned. I am completely qualified to rank the french fries from various chains commonly visited by Grand Junction High School students, and a couple of my own choosing. I tasted fries from a few places and decided on four of the worst and four of the best, based on my experience. I rated them on a 1-10 scale, going based on the basic elements of a fry: crispness, if it was warm, if it was dry, and if it was seasoned well.

Chick-Fil-A

I’m starting with Chick-fil-A because they handed me the most mediocre order of fries I have ever tasted. I went through the drive-thru at the location on Highway 6 & 50, which is always extremely crowded, so I waited long enough to cycle halfway through the “Fallen” album by Evanescence before anyone could take my order. When I finally got it, the fries seemed fresh, but when I tasted them, it was a whole different story. I ate maybe half of my order because the fries got cold before I could even finish. They tasted vaguely of salt and were super soggy, plus they took almost 10 minutes to get the fries to me after I got to the window. Overall, these were the second-worst I had out of all of these places, and everyone who has a basic taste in fast food is to blame.

Their fries aren’t bad, but they aren’t close to the level that I expect them to be for a fast food restaurant. I believe that there is no such thing as a bad fry, just a bad method of making them. The people making them just never put in any effort to make them worth a high ranking. I hardly ever go because I believe them to be incredibly overrated, and these fries are no exception. I rate them a 3/10.

Kentucky Fried Chicken

KFC had some of the best fries. Their fries, coated in the same seasoning as their chicken, are a mile above Chick-fil-A. KFC always gets a little too much hate in my opinion. Sure, it’s greasy, but it’s fried chicken; you don’t go there for some dry chicken with zero moisture. In my entire life, I have had one bad order of KFC fries. It could be that the location is the reason, as I only visit the North Avenue location. Everything about them is almost perfect, from the size to the smell. Their only downside is that they are very oily and make your hands sticky.

I wish they would take notes on how to fry theirs because they feel like they’ve been fried only on some spots on each fry, which seems weird but it makes sense when face-to-face with one, but they’re still good in my opinion. Even though Eli often says this place sucks, I’m going to ignore him and rate this a strong 7/10.

Culver’s

Culver’s fries have some of the same issues as any other crinkle fries: Dry and flavorless. But at least at Culver’s, there is a lot more of a sense of freshness to the fries.

People go to Culver’s for their burgers and cheese curds, not for their fries. I’m being critical of these fries specifically because the guy who served me was not paying much attention to my order and almost gave me a small when I asked for a large. Other than that, I have nothing else positive or negative to say; they’re kind of just there. These are a step in the wrong direction compared to KFC, rating 5/10.

Arby’s

Arby’s curly fries. Yes, that’s right, Arby’s curly fries are ranked good on my list. They’re miles better than the crinkle fries, they have way better portioning, they have better flavor, and better crunch. They season them with various pepper powders, onion and garlic powder, and of course, salt.

My only gripe is that some of the little pieces at the bottom of the container are 100% crisp and 0% potato. Those tiny pieces taste like solidified fry oil; it’s weird. There has probably been one time when I didn’t genuinely enjoy an order of these fries, and that was when I had COVID, and I had no sense of taste.

I want to address the controversy around Arby’s in general. I enjoy it, and those who hate it, I’m convinced, are just conforming to the other people who say they don’t like it. Their fries alone are much better than a lot of other places. Their sandwiches are quite a bit better than any you could get at a place like Carl’s Jr., which I also enjoy. Arby’s gets an 8/10.

Wendy’s

Wendy’s fries are not good, but not bad. They’re leaning toward the better side of the ranking board, but they still don’t qualify as a top 5 fry. I don’t personally love them because they’re often soggy to some degree and usually cold. Dipping them in a frosty, however, almost makes up for their mediocrity. I noticed while eating them that they were very unevenly salted; some weren’t very, and some were way too covered in salt. I don’t go enough to accurately compare all of the locations, but I can say that the location on North seems a bit cleaner.

These, compared to their old recipe, are quite an improvement. The old ones were always so dry, so floppy, and had no flavor. If I were to choose, I probably wouldn’t think of these first; they get a 5/10.

McDonald’s

In my experience at McDonald’s, they are more often than not very soggy and super salty. I understand that you can request an order of fries without salt, but that puts a load on the workers, and then there isn’t enough salt after they do that. They do give you a very generous serving size with each meal, though, and they are some of the only fries I actually start to crave. Another plus of McDonald’s is that their fries are fried with a beef flavoring, which, granted, is not very healthy, but it tastes very good. One of my favorite NFL players ever, Chad “Ochocinco” Johnson, the receiver that I grew up watching highlights of, endorses them. The brand deals and celebrity endorsements don’t make up for the occasional lack of effort, though. I find it worth mentioning that the 6 & 50 location provides a worse experience than the location on North.

There’s honestly nothing much else to say about this place, other than if you work at McDonald’s, please dial it back on the salt. The salt vampire from Star Trek gets a 6/10.

Carl’s Jr.

My experience here was similar to that of my first Culver’s encounter: no salt, no crisp, and this time they were cold. I’ve always tried to be a fan of Carl’s Jr, but every time I try to give them a chance, they always let me down badly. This place is probably the only place that violates my belief in there being no bad fries because they’re just not it at this place. I hate it that they consistently make bad food because they have some actually good menu items, but they always fall short in the basic fast food category. As long as they keep up the lack of frymaking, I will only be purchasing the jalapeno poppers, which I believe to be the only worthwhile thing there. SpongeBob would be ashamed. These pathetic excuses for fries get a pathetic rating of 1.5/10.

Freddy’s Steakburgers

I have decided that Freddy’s Steakburgers has the best fries in town. Every time I’ve ever been there, I order my burger, and with it comes a giant handful of the crispiest fries I’ve ever tasted. Some people may argue that they aren’t the best because they’re “too small” or they have no seasoning, and I say that’s why they’re so good. You can just grab a bunch and cram them in your face, and you can dip multiple at a time in their Jalapeno fry sauce, which has got to be one of the best sauces to ever grace my taste buds. They also can’t be overseasoned or underseasoned because they provide the seasonings for you at your table, or in the form of basic packets through the drive-thru. I’ve never had a bad fry from Freddy’s in the history of it being in this town, and the history of me being alive.

For all of the haters or those who disagree, I have but 3 words for you. It’s my opinion. Freddy’s, not to be confused with Freddy from Five Nights at Freddy’s, receives a 10/10.